Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
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3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue: