Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
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*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’