[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
gm
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Leaving the Barbers like
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this