United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
anyone else like Italian cereal
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”