*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
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Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”