[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
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I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
😆this is so true
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??