Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
You Might Also Like
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
me hitting on a model
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?