umm…
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The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
God has abandoned us.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I get distracted pretty eas
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’