scares
You Might Also Like
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
This line from Airplane.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*