Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
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me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this