5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…