I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
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My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”