All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Is this you?