My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
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We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I like crazy people until they notice me
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…