Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
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sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets