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First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Stick it to the man
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.