I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
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Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I鈥檓 pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You鈥檙e embarrassing me. You鈥檙e a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I鈥檒l thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My glasses are broken but I鈥檝e got a glasses repair kit except I can鈥檛 find it because my glasses are broken
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 馃厛馃劸馃厔 馃劮馃劥馃劙馃厑馃劤 馃劮馃劯馃劶.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
she鈥檚 a 10 but Excel thinks she鈥檚 October
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Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don鈥檛 ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.