My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
You Might Also Like
Life cycle of cat
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Did my cat write this
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
They got a point!
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.