[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
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Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.