I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Customize Your Wedding.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming