After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
saving face 👀
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*