The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
You Might Also Like
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.