My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
craving $300 all of a sudden
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”