If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.