“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
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Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
j o i m p
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”