when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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stand with me against insufficient seating
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”