So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Art by Pastelkatto
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
How do you like your Corgi?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs