An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
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My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”