The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
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Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin