I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
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Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat