Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
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2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.