Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.