Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
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i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill