I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.