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I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
This a good idea
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.