If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.