A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops