When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
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Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.