imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
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MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda