[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
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You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Realize this:
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.