Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
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I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!