The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
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Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.