My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
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SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….