I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
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“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.