MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
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Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them