just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
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We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe