I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
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2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”