My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
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After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Mouse
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.