For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
The Birdles
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.