Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
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Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.